"Jerk Off"

‎"Jerk Off"


Man, it's been awhile.
That house party was wild:
A good girl with stiff drinks
Will do more than a problem child.
I've no money left to blow,
Can't remember how I got home,
And my alarm didn't go off...
...and I'm sure I lost my phone.
I lay here; hungover in my bed
And I'm every form of pissed.
I can retrace steps in my head.
I don't know how much I've missed.


Not much can be made
Of this sudden plot twist.
I gotta find that phone, though:
In there is my "To Do List:"
A few places to go
Where there's money to lend,
This lady I met last week
And a few ex girlfriends,
A late reminder for the rent,
Clothes to purchase in the fall,
And five numbers from that stalker.
It's getting harder to dodge her calls.


Anyway, the highlight of the day
Happened a little after noon:
I went back to dude's house
And this guy was in Marvin's room.
He sat in this wheelchair,
Had wavy hair with curls
And was saying outrageous stuff
To who I assumed was his ex girl.
He may just have been
At that party last night.
He was talking about groupies
That he'd take on long flights,
He cussed out her boyfriend,
She hung up. He called again.
He said his heart needed to mend.
He said she was his only friend.


I'm choking back tears;
But I couldn't contain the laughter.
Dude was a train wreck in traction.
This little emo was a disaster.
My dude just stood around.
He was obviously doped up.
He just kept reaching down
For his styrofoam cup.
I looked around as he took sips.
My mind was still in a trip.
That's when I found a phone
Next to this bowl of bean dip.


It's not mine, though.
Damn; I gotta go:
The girl this phone belongs to
Doesn't know how far to go.
We have the same kind.
Any other day; that'd be fine;
But my phone was unlocked!
I've likely run out of time!
Things I've done with that camera
Should never be publicly seen;
But it's already too late:
It's on emo boy's computer screen.


It wouldn't make sense to log out
Of my Twitter or Facebook account.
Posts and retweets in large amounts.
Now everyone knows what I'm about:


Stacy saw the shower scene
That I shot with Layla,
Layla saw the drunk texts
That I sent to Deja,
Deja saw the call log
That had her friend Carla in it,
And Carla saw pics of Nicole 
That I took while digging in it.


It looks like I'm sunk.
These things happen when I'm drunk.
Wheelchair boy is laughing hard.
I can't even call him a punk.


What term can be derived
From self-implied bad luck?
Some call it catch back.
Others say I'm a cluster fuck.


Stacy was the reason why
I was tardy to the party.
Layla brought me some chicken.
That's why I ate hardly.
Deja brought the Jagers
That went into the punch bowl.
Carla and I chugged Four Loko;
But what happened to Nicole?


That's when the phone rang.
It was a whole gang of voices:
Her and five others.
They said that I have two choices:
Fess up like a man
And apologize to them in public
Or read the school paper tomorrow
And find all of my exploits published.....


.....suffice it to say,
My pride said no way;
So I'm staying back of town;
Miles from where it all went down.
They wrote a colorful story
Complete with shots of my backside.
The least they could do, though
Was just keep the story inside.


10,000 hits in three days
Of my "graceful" shower scene
Plus a plethora of comments
Taking up my computer screen.
I doubt this kind of publicity
Will ever really be worked off.
I wanted to screw around;
But I became the jerk off.


*Shrug*


Written By: Devin Joseph Metz