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I'm through wondering.
I'm done asking you why
It's so hard to avoid
Getting yourself into trouble.
When I get ready to leave,
That's when your efforts double.
If it looks like I just may go,
You say "No!" and hope I move slow.

That's how it used to be.
That's how I used to see;
But nothing hurts more
Than what you used to do to me.
See, I know how it feels
To lick emotional scars;
But your cuts will never heal
You're in the dirt. I'm behind bars.

Murder in the first degree.
That's what they heard from me.
This little girl mad at the world
Was on a killing spree.
See, the unholy truth, baby
Is that I'm a very angry lady.
Deep seated behind this smile
Is a child that was reviled.

Mother never really developed
To look quite like me;
So she would call me ugly
and say no one would like me.
She used to fight me.
I dodged the pots and pans.
Of course the judge would indict me
For having her cleaver in my hands.

That wasn't long ago.
There's so much more to show.
Aside from a jealous mother,
My big brother stole the show.
He never helped in my school fights.
He closed his door on most nights
When my stepfather hit the lights
Like it would hinder my sight.

My brother knew about it.
Mother did too;
So he can't take all of the blame.
He was a kid, too.
All that pounding and thrusting
From a man who was lusting
After a ten year old child.
Tell me, mom. Was it worthwhile?

Was it that vile?
Was it grotesque
For you to sit there staring
While your man gave me his best?
When you fell to your knees
With your blood spreading like disease,
He rose up and yelled out "please!"
"Just end this now! Leave all at ease!"

He was such a tease;
Even when he was older.
He lost most of his strength;
But he still has those broad shoulders.
He used to mount and pin me.
Now with the rage within me,
I straddled him, tied his wrists
And gutted him like a fish.

This is real to me.
None of it fictitious.
Nothing these days is more delicious
Than what's violent and vicious.
I used to loathe this anger.
Now it's become my best friend.
I suppose I'm no longer a stranger.
Hell, my legacy may never end.

Sent a letter to my brother's family
Offering condolences and sympathy.
Since I was there when he drowned,
I thought I would find some empathy.
I've always been alone.
Never vicarious in nature;
But if he were on this phone,
Would that suddenly change the flavor?

Does it really even matter
That a woman let the blood splatter?
Does it make you sadder?
What happened to the laughter?
No time for blues, right?
You wanted news, right?
I've paid my dues, right?
Here is your muse. Write.

Written By: Devin Joseph Metz