Dopamine

 

Dopamine

I feel like I need to come clean.

The need is obscene

and mine exclusively.

I need to believe 

that it’s not me

when you tell me it isn’t.

I want thoughts less conditioned

to panic

than I’ve allowed myself

a portion of.

I want to know that love

isn’t the only comfort

that I can afford.

I’d like to be bored

instead of in a constant

state of stress and fatigue.

It would be nice to have needs

that can be wants most of the time.

I would love to say “I’m fine”

and believe it to be so

instead of a mantra between breaths

as I try to let things go.

Things I already know

shouldn’t be foreign.

I give what I have

and feel bad when 

there’s nothing left for me to pour in.

I kind of know what 

but I never know when

except when I create it

long before it becomes real

and that “real?”

Well,

let’s just say

that my thoughts have made me feel

what my body only flinches for:

Writhing on the floor

yet I’m inches from the door

that I’ve repeatedly opened

before

but somehow convinced myself

I no longer have the key to.

Would it be too much

to have a peace that I can touch

and truly believe that it will stay?

Is it a mouthful to say

that I cry just as much

when I pray

as I do when I’m afraid

most of the day?

Is it not meant to be easy

to abstain from a bite

when I’m queasy

and also refute the thoughts

that brought me there?

Is that not fair?

Do you not care to ponder?

Do you even wonder?

I need to come clean.

Relieve myself.

Receive my wealth.

Believe my health is everlasting.

I need to come clean

across the surface

with the purpose and passion

that follows hours of satisfaction.

I need to come clean

and gain the knowledge that endures

of knowing that just because it’s dirty,

that doesn’t mean that it isn’t pure.

I am assured that my feelings

will not always be subject to protection

but when I can’t meddle with such lessons,

can I please just have the injection?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Devin Joseph Metz

1.27.21