"Never Better"

"Never Better"

I can't say that I miss you.
I mean,
I can
and have...
...tried...
to convince myself otherwise.
Searched for other eyes
to willfully lose myself in
to replace those restless nights
and days where afternoon crept in
to find me still in bed
getting those final texts in.
The hardest thing now
about days when I've slept in
is knowing that falling back on loneliness
is but one of many chances to reminisce...

...but...

I can't tell you that I miss you.
I'm saying...
...I do miss you staying over.
I miss playing with you
over
and over.
These shoulders much colder
without those thighs
draped across them.
Found some of your garments
and have yet to toss them.
Felt those biting,
burning urges
and can't say honestly
that I've fought them
with nearly the same energy
that I explicitly
implicitly
use to
pleasure myself
when I think about you...

...but you can't know about this...
...you can never know
how much I miss...

You can never learn
about the slow churn
that takes place
with every swipe
or scroll
that involves seeing your face.

You can't know about the chase.
The frantic pace that I employ
like that of a child
after a toy
left where someone else
might
mistake it for theirs.

You couldn't possibly be made aware
of how austere things have grown
and if I'm lucky,
you'll never have known
and wouldn't assume an inkling.

Yes,
far more fortunate and ideal
to leave you thinking
or not.
I'll say I couldn't remember
or that I simply forgot
and waste that wonder
all for naught
if not for more than the cheap wealth
of not having to confess to you
what I refuse to admit to myself.

Written By: Devin Joseph Metz