"Level"

"Level" 

Mind shut off from the depth of it.
Closed eyes from the rest of it
just to rest a bit.
Just to veer to the left of it
as if it never existed.
The living is twisted.
The fear is smaller now
when placed next to discomfort.
This is awkward.
That was worse
but this feels just like the first
so I can't tell the difference.
Can't yell.
Indifference.
Can't feel.
Indifferent.
Can't sell myself on much better.
Forgetting until condemned.
I wish I'd grabbed his hymn.
I'd wish for 2010 again.
Thank God that I'm older
but I smile less when I'm sober
and influence is assumed.
String of rooms all to myself
and I can't help not sleeping.
Steeping in my thoughts
by my lonesome.
I'm not lonesome.
Never lonely.
Thoughts.
They own me
and I've never been a nickel short.
Retort met season rather than reason.
Not for sake of rationale.
More to highlight how I fell
or if I've even climbed.
More inclined to my heartstrings
than I'd like the next to know.
Pride I show
mistaken for a show of masculinity
and offended me would try
but the rendered me just dies
a little more with explanation.
Duration rarely in my favor..
I may toil.
I know labor
but there is no fruit to savor.
I've so little I can show.
Encouraged that I still grow
but what I know now is deflating.
Time negating progression.
Obsession with procrastination
and confusion.
Told illusion is my compass.
The compassion scraped from edges
like the starving chased by death. 

I want no more of this depth.
This abyss.
Empty kiss cold near the furnace.
I can't burn this.
I have earned this
and I'm too tired to ask why. 

The blow.
The sigh.
The shaking head.
Such things are as dead
as the hands that implore frustration.
Situations where expressed need
masks the pungent taste of greed
and I don't ask
nor do I heed.
Just serve the slop
and I will feed.
Stale nourishment
Malnourished shit.
Some of it flung against the wall.
The texts.
The calls.
Would eat it all.
You need it all to furnish me
but this domicile is hollow.
Where you would once reside
I wallow.
If my heart decides,
I follow
but I'm not much for time.
None borrowed. 

We're not over yet
but I'm over it.
Well overdue.
Well,
over you
and I'd go through you
with eyes slow to view
what I'd hold you to
if I only knew 

how much it meant for me to care. 

That'd be fair, right?

There's cooler air most nights.
I sometimes fear how I would fare
out there in my rocking chair.
Body riddled with stress.
Skin as wrinkled as regrets
I've thrown away after they were written.
According to who you ask,
not so much of me is hidden
so if certain things reveal
all of what I truly feel,
maybe then some of that solace
can replace an empty promise
or two.
Hopefully a few.
The harsh exist for purpose
even when lost and nervous.
Uncertainty the adversary.
The scene obscene.
The setting scary.
Hands clasped beneath the clothes.
Memories we both impose.
Ringing words hang in ear lobes.
Mind wide open
Eyes still closed. 

Leave me be. 

Written By: Devin Joseph Metz